


Between Good and Evil

by GlitterSkullFairy



Series: Stumbling Towards Soho Snuggling [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale wants more but he doesn't know how, Bandages, Caring, Crowley wants more, Cuddling & Snuggling, Demisexual Aziraphale, Demisexual Crowley, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Hell, Hurt/Comfort, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Lucifer Canon-typical violence, M/M, Neil Gaiman made me do it, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possible potential Lindamenikeen, Post-Lucifer (TV) Season/Series 04, Sis and Hiss, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Supernatural Support Team, There's a lot of news to catch up on, Violence, fluff with plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-06-03 20:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19471288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterSkullFairy/pseuds/GlitterSkullFairy
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale are redefining their relationship.  They would very much like to get home and continue to explore what that means, please.They certainly do not want to get caught up in another celestial entanglement with an angel-baby.  And possibly a mission to rescue the Devil himself from the clutches of Hell.





	1. Breakfast

**Author's Note:**

> Much as these two worlds are begging to be crossed, there are certain differences between them which cause certain dilemmas. I went and dropped the husbands in Lucifer world, deliberately ignoring certain facts because it was only going to be a one shot. I should have known it wouldn't stay a one shot. They never do.  
> So I might have to "Make Stuff Up" as Neil Himself put it, fudge a few things and gloss over others. I hope you'll have patience with me! It's all in the name of good fun. And gay romance.  
> The biggest problem I have though, is that Crowley isn't just a demon, he's a fallen angel. And in Lucifer universe, all.the angels are actually um… siblings… (runs and hides in the corner). Also the fact that (in my head canon) Lucifer was very much alone when he Fell (proved by the fact that Dromos had to steal Charlie). Sooooo I thought very long and hard and decided I'd have to make Crowley more of a _demon_ demon- please don't incinerate me!- but I promise he will still be very much Crowley, and I won't let it affect their relationship in any negative way. And I will make sure he keeps his beautiful wings.

Aziraphale should have been more tired than he was. He had spent the night chasing his best friend halfway around the world, and the rest of it completely astonished while they lay in each other's arms. It had all happened so suddenly. Things had ticking along nicely for millennia, and then out of the blue Crowley goes and _suggests_ things. Like holding hands. And cuddling.

I mean, honestly, whoever heard of a demon cuddling?

But then again, it wasn't entirely out of the blue. Because Crowley had been saying things all along that could have indicated his interest, if an angel had chosen to interpret them that way. But he'd steadfastly refused to acknowledge the possibility, because what would happen if anyone from management found out- on either side? Not to mention the fact that they were officially enemies, and who knows how it would have upset the balance if they had delved into anything more serious than their little arrangement. Now that they had breathing space, ideas about what could be weren't quite as ludicrous. 

It had been, what? Almost ten years since the averted apocalypse. All that time of being free from having to report to anyone, of wining and dining in each other's company, of the only side being "our side." The real question, he supposed, was why on earth had it taken that long? 

It felt so natural now. Crowley had been snoring on his chest, an arm and a leg snaked around him. And it felt like nothing had changed at all.

Because it hadn't. Their closeness was an established fact, unwavering in the face of Death or Prophecy or the Devil himself. A little thing like physical intimacy wasn't going to suddenly make the world a different place, or tie them together any tighter than they were already bound. And yet…

When he'd asked Crowley to kiss him, and the demon had said, no, not yet, he'd been disappointed. A part of him _wanted._ He knew exactly which part it was, too, the one that always gave in to temptation, the part that delighted in being just a little bit naughty because it kept him close to the being that he loved.

Because somewhere between good and evil was a place where two people could just be who they were with each other and be happy.

So he straightened his bowtie and smoothed out the wrinkles on his sleeve and prepared to face breakfast with his big brother.

Crowley slouched against the door, waiting for him, looking unexpectedly ravishing in a pair of tight, burgundy jeans and a black top with a deep plunge neckline. Aziraphale had insisted he shed the leather jacket the night before, he wanted to feel him and not his heavy outerwear. He found his eyes wandering up and down appreciatively, and of course the demon noticed.

"I know that look. You're devouring me with your eyes. I might as well be a bowl of strawberries and cream."

"Oh no, my dear, you would be something much more decadent than that. A rich gateaux, dropping with chocolate and black cherries, steeped for a week in the finest liqueur."

Crowley didn't ever squeak, so the sound that came from his throat must have been something else. Perhaps a growl at a higher frequency. Aziraphale stepped towards him and laid a hand on his cheek, and he leaned into it like a cat who'd been a whole three minutes without affection. "Come on, dear. We’ll have our breakfast, and be on our way home as soon as duty permits, and then we can curl up and snuggle and work out how to do all those other things the humans spend so much time fussing about."

"Bollocks to duty, let's go now."

"I may be vain, a glutton and a drunkard, and I might soon become subject to more base instincts, but I shall never abuse the hospitality of those who have opened their home to us."

"I know," he sighed. "It was worth a try though." He stroked Aziraphale's hand as it rested on his cheek, and then held it as they walked back through to the living area.

They were greeted by a ridiculously homely scene. Linda was bustling about putting spare clothes and diapers in a bag; Maze was sitting in front of the baby in his bouncy chair, talking to him with a great deal of animation, and Amenadiel was doing something in the kitchen that smelled delicious. Linda turned and did a double take as she passed. “MAZE!” she scolded. “Are you letting Charlie chew on your shuriken again?”

“Relax, it’s a human weapon, it can’t hurt him. And he likes the way it tastes.”

“It’s a shuriken, not a teething ring! And while it might not hurt him, it can still hurt me, so please, put it away.”

“Fine, but don’t blame me if he starts crying. Here, kid, suck on a giraffe instead. ‘Cause that’s not weird at all.” She stood up and walked towards Aziraphale and Crowley. He took his shades off the top of her head and put them back on. 

“Are you on babysitting duty, Mazikeen?” Crowley smirked. “Let me know if you need any help.”

“You like kids?” she asked suspiciously.

“Perhaps like is too strong a word. But I did spend a few years as a nanny, so I’ve grown more familiar with the insufferable wretches.”

“Just because Warlock was an insufferable wretch, doesn’t mean they all are, Crowley my dear,” Aziraphale said, his eyes wandering towards the infant.

“No,” Crowley said quickly. “No, no, no, no, no. And no.”

“But he’s-”

“No.”

“I’m not suggesting-”

“No.”

“But it was your idea when we-”

“No, Angel, Godparenting not-the-actual-antichrist was one thing, but there is no way in Hell, Earth or Heaven that we could even consider having a child of our own." He sniffed. "Besides, it’s way too soon to be thinking about it.”

Aziraphale smiled sheepishly.

Linda marvelled at the exchange. “What just happened? Are you like telepathic?”

“No, we’ve just been hanging out too long,” Crowley said dismissively. 

“It’s fascinating!” Linda breathed.

“Sorry, I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced,” Aziraphale said, extending his hand. “I’m Aziraphale. Crowley’s… What are we now, dear?”

“Good question. Not sure I’ve got the answer.”

“Boyfriends seems a bit too frivolous, but we’ve yet to make any kind of official commitment and it’s all very new and highly irregular.”

“Six thousand years is hardly new, Angel. And we won’t be the first, these two have already beaten us to it.”

“The human-”

“No, the other one.”

He looked from one face to the other, and Maze gave a smug little smirk. “Oh! I say! Um… That all sounds rather complicated.”

Crowley just watched the blush spread across his cheeks. It was a sight that would never cease to delight him. Linda spoilt it by picking up the baby and bringing him over. “I’m Linda, and I believe the word you’re looking for is partners. It’s wonderfully ambiguous while at the same time carrying a great deal of significance.”

“Yes, partners. I like that. Don’t you, my dear?”

“It’ll do.” He couldn’t help the way the corner of his mouth twitched upward.

“And this is your nephew, Charlie,” she went on, offering him to the angel to hold. Aziraphale’s arms reached for him eagerly, his face lighting up as he took him. And then Charlie gurgled and smiled, and his uncle’s expression could only be described as _blessed._

“Oh, bugger,” Crowley intoned, sensing a looming inevitability. The threat was not immediate yet; he might even have as much as a century, if he was lucky.

Aziraphale was still happily cooing and talking nonsense when Amenadiel started bringing in plates and cutlery. He set them on the table and grinned as he approached. “Brother! So good to see you again! I couldn’t believe it when Maze said you were here. Where have you been hiding?”

“Um… London?”

Amenadiel put an arm around his back and gripped his shoulder tightly. It looked like it might have been a more enthusiastic hug if it weren’t for the baby in his arms. “We have so much to catch up on. I see you’ve met my son. Isn’t he wonderful?”

“Indeed! He’s quite delightful. May I introduce Crowley? My partner,” he added, with a shy smile, deciding the word fit perfectly.

To be fair to Crowley, he didn't even flinch when Amenadiel reached out to shake his hand. But then his partner was holding the son of Heaven's mightiest warrior, which gave him a degree of leverage, even if it was just in his imagination. The knowledge that he was so far beyond smiting demons on sight didn't hurt either. So Crowley took the offered hand, and shook it firmly, with his best evil grin plastered on his face.

“Crowley, it’s a pleasure. But I have to ask, why in Heaven’s name are you wearing Mazikeen’s clothes?”

He shrugged. “It’s a demon thing.”

“And now I can get back in my own room without worrying about getting an eyeful of these two doing their thing, I can get changed and you can have your own stuff back.”

“Really, Maze? Are you learning you to respect personal boundaries?” Amenadiel seemed surprised but hopeful.

“No. But these two weren’t screwing, were they? Just being all gross and romantic.”

“Well, you’ll have to wait a little longer to change, breakfast is ready. Help me bring it all out.”

Maze cocked her head at him.

“Please.”

“Fine.”

Linda pried away the infant and settled him back in his bouncy chair beside the table so that if he got grouchy, she could rock him with her foot while she ate. Aziraphale leaned in to Crowley. “Why did that conversation seem so frightfully familiar?” he asked in a hushed voice.

“Because, Angel, we’ve been having it for six thousand years. The difference is, they’ve already tried it and it’s gone wrong, and now they’re both afraid to try again. They’ll work it out eventually.”

Dishes heaped with food were laid on the table- crispy bacon and fat, fluffy pancakes, a platter of perfectly fried eggs and a bowl of hash browns. It wasn’t the kind of fare that they were used to, but it smelled good nonetheless.

“I say, Amenadiel, it’s rather precious to meet another angel who appreciates the wonders of good food.”

“I’ll admit it’s one of the vices I’ve picked up since living here. Plus, having a family with a good appetite is a great motivator to learn how. Nine months ago, I would have struggled to make you all a few pieces of toast.”

They made another couple of trips to retrieve syrup and ketchup and other condiments, and there was coffee and fresh orange juice too. At last everyone sat down to eat. Aziraphale complimented the cook as he tasted everything. Crowley ate just enough to keep Aziraphale company, as usual, though he found the coffee to be excellent and helped himself to a second cup.

“Anything from Lucifer yet?” Linda asked Amenadiel while everyone else was quietly enjoying the feast.

He shook his head. “He’s not answering any of my prayers. I’m starting to worry.”

“Excuse me,” Crowley swallowed, “you’re worried about _Lucifer?”_ His eyebrows rose almost an entire inch above his sunglasses.

“He’s my brother, in spite of everything, and the whole situation- it just doesn’t seem right.”

“Lucifer? Our most terrifying Overlord of Darkness? Satan himself?”

“I’ve spent thousands of years dragging him back to Hell every time he escapes, but now that he’s gone back voluntarily, in spite of Chloe or perhaps because of her, it feels wrong.”

“I feel like I’m missing a rather large chunk of pertinent information.”

“Lucifer’s been living in LA for a while. I came with him,” Maze said.

“How long is a while?” Aziraphale asked cautiously.

“I dunno- eight- nine years now?”

“Since the apocalypse that wasn’t?”

“The what-now?” Linda gagged. Amenadiel and Maze exchanged confused looks.

Aziraphale turned to Crowley. “Looks like Adam did a better job of resetting everything than we thought.” He put down his fork and looked at his brother. “You truly don’t remember? With Atlantis and the nuclear missiles, and the four horsemen on the loose?”

“The whole business with the anti-Christ, the Devil’s own son?”

“Lucifer had a son?” Linda was incredulous. 

“Apparently, not anymore. Somehow the child rewrote history and put everything back as he wanted it. But it was a near thing. You don’t remember any of it?”

“I think, my dear, that the only reason we do is because we were so intimately involved in the affair. And that said, even I get a bit foggy on the details.”

Maze’s face had hardened as she concentrated. “I thought it was some kind of weird Hell-dream.”

“What?”

“Lucifer- getting hurt. The higher demons all turned on us, I was the only one who didn’t. They all attacked us at once, and I fought at his side. But they wanted something, and somehow they got it. As soon as he was injured they ran off.”

“His blood,” Aziraphale whispered. “Adam must have been made from his blood, he wasn’t born at all. If they found some of the same clay Father used for the original Adam…”

“They built him and used the Devil’s blood to bring him to life. Then they stuffed him in a basket and handed him to me. It makes sense though. They were always very vague about his origins, but the anti-Christ could never have been born from something as pure as passion or love. He was born of violence and theft and betrayal. It’s a credit to his earthly parents he turned out as well as he did.”

“If that was his origin, he would have soaked up their love like a sponge. That perfect little village gave him a chance to be something normal, and he took it, rejecting his destiny.”

“Rejecting his destiny does sound like something Lucifer’s kid would do,” Maze agreed. “Huh.”

They all sat for a moment, quietly contemplating. Then…

“Can we go back to the part where you’re _worried about Lucifer?_ And who’s Chloe?”

"Lucifer's human girlfriend," Maze explained. "Except not, because they're both idiots."

"You mean like me Crowley were before last night?"

"We weren't idiots, Angel, we were just-"

"Idiots. We should have said how we felt as soon as the apocalypse was averted. But I do feel marginally better about it knowing the Devil is in the same metaphorical boat. Although perhaps I shouldn't. You're a terrible influence on me, you know."

"I know. That's part of the fun." They smiled at each other fondly, as they'd done thousands of times, But now that they both knew, it felt strangely exciting. Aziraphale blushed to the tips of his ears, and Crowley's chest tightened and lurched.

Linda went on to give a brief summary of Lucifer's extended vacation, and how he and Chloe had become friends. She left out all the personal details and just kept to the facts, ending with how the demons had tried to take her baby and he'd gone back to reclaim the throne.

Aziraphale went deathly pale. 

"What's wrong Angel?" Crowley asked, reaching for his hand. He almost hesitated from millennia of holding back, but then remembered it was all okay now. Whatever happened, they had each other. He gave a gentle squeeze of reassurance. 

"He's not the adversary at all, is he?" His tongue darted nervously to moisten lips gone suddenly dry. "We've been fighting all this time, the Great War between Good and Evil, the Ineffable Plan, but the only truly ineffable thing is that the King of Hell never really wanted it either."

"You mean it's all been a giant misunderstanding?"

"I don't know. No one does. That's what's frightening."

"Hey," Linda said gently, pulling her chair closer to the angel's. "It's okay. We humans have been living in a state of ignorance since forever. You get used to it. You just have to do the best that you can with what you have. Follow your own destiny, live by your own conscience, find your own happiness."

Aziraphale looked at her. "You seem very wise."

"It's my job to help people with their problems. I've been working with Lucifer for a while now, and I've had to get my head around some pretty huge ideas."

"You talk about him as if he were your friend."

"He is. I wish there was something more I could do to help him, but without knowing what's going on down there I wouldn't even know where to start."

"I've thought about going to check on him," Amenadiel said, "but I daren't risk leaving the baby behind. I'll just keep pestering him and eventually he'll get so irritated he'll answer just to tell me to shut up."

"Crowley…"

"Don't."

"But he's…"

"Not our problem. Look, Amenadiel, I appreciate the hospitality and all that, but we really must be getting on."

"Crowley!" Aziraphale snapped. "I'm sorry, will you excuse us, I need a quiet word with my partner."


	2. A Quiet Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale wants to help.

Crowley stood tight jawed and resolute back in the bedroom.

"I'm going to have a hard time persuading you of my plan aren't I?"

"Oh, so you do have an actual plan already? Unless it involves going back to Soho so we curl up and not let go for at least three weeks, I'm not interested."

"Not exactly, no."

"Oh no. Oh, Hell no."

"Crowley, please, just listen. I'm not suggesting we go Down There and start asking questions about the Devil's well-being."

"That's good news at least."

"But perhaps we could just stay a little longer and keep an eye on Charlie while Amenadiel goes to check on our brother."

Crowley gaped. "Since when was Satan your brother?"

"Since I talked to some very pleasant people who explained his side of the whole story."

"Do you not remember the beast that rose up out of the pavement at the airfield? Huge great sodding monstrosity he was. Wasn’t looking quite so angelic then."

"If I judged people by those standards I would never have ended up spending half as much time with you, my dear _Crawley!"_

Crowley actually hissed at him. He was frustrated and conflicted and it scared him. 

Aziraphale didn't flinch. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. But I find myself in strange company today. We had a narrow escape, you and I, and I had thought the price of that would be separation from anything Heavenly. But it didn't matter because I had you. Now I suddenly have a big brother again, and a nephew, and I know it’s naive of me to trust them all so easily, but I just have this strange feeling…”

“What kind of feeling?”

“Look, I understand the temptation to go home and just live out the rest of history together, but something tells me that if we ignore this, then the rest of history might just end up being a lot shorter than I'd like."

"You think it's that serious?"

"There is a baby in the other room who is half angel, half human. His dad might think he's the most wonderful thing in the universe, and I can't help but agree with him to a certain extent, but the child's very existence is dangerous. Possibly even more dangerous than Adam."

"And you think enlisting the Devil's help is a good idea? You think involving more powerful beings is going to help matters? If he sides with the humans against Heaven, things could go very badly, Aziraphale, very badly indeed. Much worse than a few holes in the earth and mysterious islands reappearing from the deep."

"Or he might just save everyone. Because if what Linda says is true, it sounds like he's fallen for this planet and its inhabitants just as badly we both have."

Crowley trailed his fingers down pale lapels, felt the smooth velvet of his waistcoat. "You always were such a bloody optimist, weren't you?"

"So were you, if I recall." He took Crowley's hands on his own. "We've lasted this long. What's another day or two, hm?"

Crowley leaned into him, letting their heads rest together. "Tell me what you're going to do with me when we get home."

"I thought I might skip dinner. Take you up to my room and see just how tightly I can hold you before it becomes uncomfortable. And then I might ask to kiss you again."

"And what will you do if I say yes?"

Aziraphale inhaled deeply. "Why, then I might tilt my head towards yours until our lips brush together. I imagine that will feel very nice."

"Is that all?"

"There's more. I know there's more, but I'm… well, I'm unfamiliar with how it's all done."

"Oh yes, Angel, there's so much more."

"Lying together like we did last night? Humans take their clothes off for that, don't they?"

"They do. All the clothes, just gone. No clothes to be seen. Just skin touching skin."

"That sounds very nice. I like the feel of your skin. I admit I did look at it a bit more closely when I borrowed it."

Crowley laughed. "Would you believe I actually resisted the temptation?"

"Really? Why?"

"Because I knew if I peeked, I would never be able to look you in the eye again. It's bad enough with you being so perfectly beautiful, if I'd seen all of you, I was bound to end up saying something I thought I would regret."

The angel smiled. "You think I'm beautiful?'

"Most beautiful creature I've ever seen." Their heads moved; their noses touching lightly. A breath passed from one to the other, and a deep growl of longing escaped the demon's throat. "Promise me that we'll get through this and go home soon."

"I promise." The air that formed the words caressed Crowley's mouth. "Soon we will be together. Soon enough we can have everything."

"Then I'll do whatever you ask."

It took them several more minutes to find the strength to break apart, and Aziraphale realised that perhaps Crowley was right to wait for the kisses. Their fingers remained twisted together as they walked back to the rest of the peculiar family. “We’d like to offer our assistance,” he declared. “If you think it would be helpful, we could stay here and protect the baby while you go to visit Lucifer and check if he’s all right.”

Amenadiel stood. “You’d do that for us?”

“I may not be as strong as you, but I can certainly see off any humans who try anything. If the demons get out again, we can handle them between the two of us.”

“Can we trust them?” Maze asked bluntly.

“Aziraphale has a certain reputation in Heaven.”

“I do?”

“Not as a warrior, I’m afraid.”

“But I will fight to protect the child. And so will Crowley.”

Maze smirked. “Crowely is a scheming bastard, but he’s a weed. No offense.”

“He’s a highly venomous weed. And fast. I trust him with my life, and he’s never let me down.”

Of course Crowley knew all this in theory, but it was nice to hear him say it out loud. He gave his hand a squeeze in appreciation. “And if Aziraphale believes what he’s doing is right, he’s utterly fearless. He’ll do anything to protect this baby.” He felt a squeeze in return. Of course, if they were lucky, Amenadiel could still say no and then they could go straight home. But they were never that lucky.

The eldest angel nodded. “All right then. Maze, will you come with me? I think we’ll have more chance of success if we’re together. He might just refuse to see me if I’m alone.”

“Good call. I’m leaving one of my blades with these two idiots, though, just in case.”

“Linda? Is this all okay with you?”

“I feel better with you here, but we can’t just keep waiting around for Lucifer to call. We’ll be fine.”

“I need to change clothes first. I can’t show up in Hell in this outfit.”

“I thought you liked it?”

“I do, and I look awesome, but you’ve worn the same clothes for decades and everyone there will know they’re yours.”

“Maybe it’s time I got a new outfit.”

“Not yet,” Aziraphale said quickly.

“Oh?” Crowley cocked an eyebrow at him.

“A lot of things are changing. It would be nice to keep some things the same. For a little while. At least until I get used to it.”

“I might let you keep the jeans, though,” Maze said. “They suit you.”

"Cheers."

They disappeared and came back five minutes later, looking much more like themselves again. Maze had a sturdy leather bodice with buckles around the waist, and Crowley was back to being Crowley. Aziraphale was cooing over the baby again.

"Ready to go," Maze announced.

"What now?" Aziraphale asked, wide eyed. 

"No time like the present," Amenadiel agreed. 

"Besides, the sooner they go, the sooner they come back, and then we can go home. Right Angel?"

"True. Where's this sword you promised me?"

Maze held up a small, curved blade. "Careful. Hell forged. You can actually hurt yourself with that." He took it carefully indeed. 

Amenadiel picked up his son and held him close, kissing his head before handing him back to his mother. She smiled up at him. "Come home soon. Bring good news."

"I'll do my best."

Maze casually ran a finger over the baby's cheek, and then did the same to Linda. "See ya later."

She took Amenadiel's hand and they were gone.

"So," Linda began, taking a seat in an armchair and gesturing her guests towards the couch, "I bet you two have some interesting stories to tell. Let's see how many we can get through while we wait for them to get back. With any luck, they'll be crazy enough to take my mind off what's going on. Where did you meet?"

They took a seat next to each other, Crowley draping one arm over the back of the sofa in a millennia old habit of drawing near without actually touching. Aziraphale kept his hands neatly followed in his lap, his own habit to keep temptation at bay. But then he smiled, knowing it was no longer necessary, and tenderly rested his left hand on the demon's knee. "In Eden. Or rather, just at Eden's gates, to be precise."

Crowley let his arm fall down into the angel's shoulder. He grinned. "I was the snake. He gave away his flaming sword."

"Yup," Linda nodded slowly. "That'll work."


	3. Lovely to see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley have an unexpected guest.  
> So does Lucifer.

They had passed over an hour quite happily. Aziraphale and Crowley were like a couple of old gossips, and they knew every juicy tidbit throughout history. Linda was delighted to finally get answers to all the questions that Lucifer and Amenadiel deemed inappropriate. She wanted to know all about Shakespeare, and Aziraphale was more than happy to tell her a tale or two. She asked whether they knew anything about Lucifer and Hamlet, and Crowley explained how he’d started a great fight outside the globe that got everyone’s attention, and from there it was easy to lead them all inside. The show was a lot more enjoyable with a sizeable crowd. 

They were laughing so hard they didn’t notice when the front door opened quietly.

Aziraphale glanced up to see the archaically-dressed woman in the doorway. “Oh heavens, no!” he breathed, standing up.

Crowley turned and echoed the sentiment. “Oh, holy fucking balls of Hellfire!”

“Give me the child,” she commanded.

“Remiel?” Aziraphale said nervously. The two of them came to stand between Linda, who held the baby tightly, and the strange angel. “How are you? It’s been _ages.”_

“I’m not here to talk. Especially not with one who so flagrantly goes against everything we were taught and consorts with abominations like _that.”_ She nodded towards Crowley and her face rumpled in disgust. “Give me the child and let me be on my way.”

“What are you going to do with him?”

“Take him back to Heaven where he belongs. Away from the stench of humanity.”

“Oh, they’re not that bad, once you get to know them,” Crowley said, desperately trying to think of something. _Anything._ Remiel had been trained by Amenadiel, she was one of the toughest angels there was, and though they could have easily handled a demon between them, Remy would most like squash them both like a pair of bugs. Unfortunately, everything he had said about Aziraphale was true, and the bloody idiot was already holding Mazikeen’s blade and squaring up against the intruder. Who was holding a spear.

“You’ll have to get through us, first!” he challenged. While Crowley admired his partner’s courage and conviction, he did realise that they were about to wade into a lake of shit. Remiel unfurled with a yell. He did smirk a little at that. Boring brown, speckled things, nothing like as glorious as his angel’s. He did take more than a little pride in the fact that the beauty of Aziraphale’s pure white wings were surpassed only by those of the Devil himself. But then Remiel was launching herself at them and he had three options- stay where he was and get flattened, dodge and expose Linda and the child, or dive straight towards her. He flew for her at an angle, knocking her sideways. 

Linda watched them both tumble to the floor, and scrambled low to the ground, trying to keep as much out of the way as possible. Remiel got up quickly, but it gave Aziraphale a moment and he closed in with the knife, grabbing at the spear to hold it out the way while he slashed a wide arc towards her body. It marked her leather armour, but didn't go through. If she had been holding a mortal weapon, the demon blade could have easily chopped it in two, but this was from Heaven. She twisted with superior strength, drawing the spear back, and he reached again, slicing through her nearest wing, a few feathers falling to the floor. She yelled and thrust her weapon into his chest, somewhere near his right shoulder, and he dropped the knife and fell to the floor.

Linda screamed, fearing for herself, but this time mostly for Charlie. She couldn't lose him, not again. But something was happening to Crowley. His shape was changing, red and black and long, and she remembered what he'd said about being the snake. She thought it had been a metaphor. She should have known. When the spear pierced Aziraphale's chest, Crowley rose up behind the attacker and sank his fangs into her neck, pumping venom. She tugged the spear free with a grunt, and the sight of blood pouring from the gaping hole in Aziraphale’s pale coat stunned Crowley so much that he let go. After the briefest hesitation he struck again as she moved, getting a mouthful of feathers and poisoning her wing, even as the taste of holiness burned his tongue. Remiel lifted her spear once more and plunged it downwards, straight through Crowley’s tail, pinning him to the floor. 

Remiel was coming for Linda. Charlie was crying, and she clutched him to her chest, pleading. "No! Let us go, you can't take him! Please! Amenadiel will find you and smite you into the middle of next week!" Remiel tried and failed to grab him away, and not wishing to hurt the child, decided that the easiest course of action was to take both of them. She put an arm around Linda’s waist and lifted her, ignoring her kicks and protests, and carried them out the front door. 

“Crowley…” Aziraphale gasped, crawling towards him. The snake only hissed in reply. He reached out, groaning in agony, but finding the strength to remove the spear from his beloved’s tail nonetheless. 

He shifted back into human form with a grunt. “Angel, you’re hurt.” He grabbed a muslin square from the arm of the sofa and pressed it to the wound. It quickly went from white to red.

“Nothing vital. You’re hurt too.”

“Just my tail. It still hurts like a bastard, but as long as I stay like this it shouldn’t slow me down.”

“You need to go after them. There’s no way she can fly like that, so you can still catch up.”

“I’m not leaving you like this, don’t be ridiculous. Besides, I have no idea which way they’ve gone.”

“You can’t feel him?”

“What?”

“Charlie. Like Adam’s love over Tadfield. Only this child’s love is a miniature sun, and it’s glowing like a perfect beacon.”

“Right. Might need an assist on that one. How do you feel about coming for a drive?”

Aziraphale groaned.

The trip through dimensions always made Maze feel a little dizzy. This was no exception. But then she felt the ash falling on her skin, and heard the screams, and looked up at the darkness of the sky and she knew she was home. 

It was a strange sensation to realise that she didn't belong here anymore.

She breathed in the smell of sulphur and listened with senses she hadn't used since she'd emancipated herself from her former King. He was here, and she could feel him. She shoved at Amenadiel's arm. "Come on. This way."

He followed her through the labyrinth of pillars and corridors that never quite made sense to him. How anyone found their way in this place was a mystery to him. It seemed to take a long time, but he couldn't tell for certain. Even when he'd still had his powers, time in this place had been fluid and impossible to pin down. 

At last they came to a door, and Maze stared at it, looking concerned. 

"He's in here?" Amenadiel asked, and she nodded slowly. "Then why aren't we going in?"

"Because I can't tell whose cell this is. And I'm not sure what's inside."

"Well, there's only one way to find out." He reached out and touched the door, and it swung open. Inside, it looked almost exactly like the penthouse. But on closer inspection, there were several things wrong. The glass bottles at the bar were all empty. A few of the bulbs in the tree-root chandelier were burnt out. The worst part was the windows, which were covered in a grimey layer of ash. Instead of the twinkling lights of the city, they looked out over a desolate landscape.

"Lucifer?" Maze called. 

He walked out from the bedroom, in a suit that had seen better days. "Oh good. More apparitions. Lovely to see you, fake Maze, fake brother. What are you here to torment me with this time? Is fake Maze going to pull out my fingernails or is fake Amenadiel going to bore me with one of his earnest revelations?"

"Lucifer, it's us, we're real," Amenadiel said. 

"He's stuck in a loop. Shit. No wonder he wasn't answering, he's got just enough awareness left to know that none of it's real. Lucifer, we have to get you out of here. You're supposed to be ruling this place."

"I was. I am. I'm the King of Hell. This is my palace." He gestured grandly. "No booze, no cigarettes, no sex. Well, sometimes sex, but no orgasms, and that might be worse. Only pain. My own as well as everyone else's. Would you like to play, fake Maze? I might even be able to gratify you somewhat, you at least enjoy the torture. Is that why you're here?"

"No, Lucifer. We came to see if you're okay, which you're clearly not."

"I'm fine. It's fake Detective you should worry about, I think something here has it in for her."

"But you know it's not real?"

"Yes. But how do you? Shouldn't you be trying to convince me that it is real?"

"Because, Lucifer, we're not apparitions. We came to check on you. From LA. The real LA. With Chloe and Linda, who miss you."

"I can't go back. I tried going back, but the demons came and they devoured everyone. It was awful. Or was that just another loop? I'm losing track. Anyway, I have to stay. I belong here." He walked over to the bar to fill his glass, lifted an empty decanter and glared at it. "Why do I keep doing that? I must remember there's no booze here."

"Why don't you relax for a bit," Amenadiel suggested. "Play us is a song."

"Piano's broken too. Several strings have snapped and the rest are out of tune. It just sits there in the middle of the room, taunting me. Sometimes I forget and try to play, but that's worse than the silence. I'm sure some demons will drop in soon with questions. They always do. Endless boring details of government. There's no peace in Hell."

Maze turned to Amenadiel and spoke quietly. "Okay, we have to get him out of this cell. It's destroying him. This is not what he's supposed to be doing. This is not how he ruled before."

"It does seem very peculiar. But why has he locked himself in like this?"

"I'm not so sure he did. I think some of the other demons may have tricked him into it, but I don't know how. He would never have trusted them before."

"Unless he was giving up."

"What?"

"If he knew what they were up to, but he was just too broken to care. He's had his hopes crushed too many times. The thought of eternity, here, alone after what he had on LA? Maybe he just had enough. Maybe he just… let himself be captured. So he could still be here, enough to keep ruling, to keep order, just not… dealing with it."

Maze crossed her arms over her chest and strode towards the elevator.

"Where are you going?"

"To find out who did this and beat their heads together until their skulls crack open!" She growled. "And find out what else they're planning now he's out the way. You stay here, keep talking to him, try to get him thinking about the real world and snap him out of this so he can do his job properly!"


	4. It's My Sister's

"It makes no sense," Aziraphale complained, his brows knitted together in confusion. "By the speed they're moving, I'd say they were in a car, but where on earth would Remiel take them?"

They made their way outside, the angel still pressing a damp cloth to his wound, Crowley grimacing at the pain from the hole in his tail- even though he didn't have a bloody tail at this point- but both of them determined to fulfil their promise and look after Linda and the baby.

"Probably just trying to get further away from us? If she was waiting for Amenadiel to bugger off, she might not have been expecting any resistance. We got a couple of lucky hits, so maybe she's looking for somewhere to hide until she can fly again." He led Aziraphale to Mazikeen's car, and got him settled in before taking the driver's seat. 

"But she must know we'll find them. She must know Amenadiel will come back."

"I guess she's hoping it will be too late by then."

The angel insisted on wearing his seatbelt, even though with the steering wheel on the wrong side it would aggravate his injury. Crowley compromised by hooking it under his arm and over his belly. They set off at last, and the demon drove at his customary speeds to make up time. It wasn't his Bentley, but a part of him grudgingly admitted that the Audi would do the job for now. And driving with the top down was quite fun, especially in this climate. They zoomed down the broad, straight streets and he did miss the twisting, narrow roads of home.

Aziraphale said they were getting closer, but then he noticed some flashing lights behind them.

"I know I'm going to surprise you by saying this, but you might want to speed up a bit my dear. I think we've got some unwanted attention, in the form of an overzealous policeman."

Crowley's eyes flicked up to the mirror and he swore. And started to slow down.

"What are you doing? It’s not even a proper police car, it doesn’t have the stripey thingies!"

"This is LA, if I don't stop, he's only going to call for backup, and then there'll be sixteen cars and helicopters after us and we won't get anywhere. Simpler just to deal with this one." 

“Yes, but I’m bleeding! I’ve got a gaping hole in my torso! Don’t you think he’ll notice?”

Crowley pulled over anyway. “Just miracle his attention away so he doesn’t even know you’re there.” The police vehicle stopped behind him. 

Dan was on his way to the latest crime scene when he saw a familiar vehicle overtake him. He checked the plates by force of habit, and realised it really was Maze's car. And neither the driver nor the passenger looked anything like Maze. He could have called it in, but the thought of what Maze might do to him if she found out he'd let someone steal her car made him step on the gas and switched on the dashboard lights. He was expecting more of a chase, but strangely the driver slowed. He picked up the radio, just to inform someone of the situation, and walked over to the vehicle, holding up his badge.

"Is there a problem officer?" the man in sunglasses asked politely. _Great. Another smart-ass British guy to wind me up._

"Detective Espinoza. You're going pretty fast there buddy. Everything okay?"

"As a matter of fact, no. We have some rather urgent business to attend to. I don't suppose I could interest you in a bribe?"

Dan shook his head. This guy was digging himself a nice deep hole. "Nope. I'm going to need to see some identification."

The man reached into his pocket slowly and pulled out a passport and driver's license. 

"Anthony Crowley," he read.

"Crow-ley," he was corrected. "It's pronounced 'oh' not 'ow'. Cr _ow_ ley is an entirely different demon altogether."

Demon. He thought when Lucifer left he'd be free from kind of crazy- at work, at least. He looked from one face to the other. 

“I think he can see me,” the blonde one muttered.

"Of course I can see you,” he replied. Although for some reason, it was hard to focus on him, his eyes kept trying to slide away. He spoke to the driver, it was easier. “Is this your car?"

"Actually, it's my sister's. That urgent business I mentioned involves her baby."

Dan took a deep breath. "Would you step out of the car, please?"

"Why?"

"Because I happen to know the owner of this car, and she doesn't have a baby and you definitely don't look like her brother."

"Technically, half brother, and it's her not quite girlfriend's baby."

Dan was having difficulty concentrating. "Did she work things out with Eve? Eve has a kid?" No, that wasn’t right, he definitely would have noticed if Eve was pregnant.

"No, not that one,” he snarled in distaste, “the funny one. Linda."

"Charlie? What's so urgent about Charlie?" he asked with a frown. "And where's Maze? If there’s a problem, why send you in her car? Why not sort it out herself?"

"We’re tracking Charlie. She’s out of town. She went to check on our former employer," he growled, clearly losing patience. 

"You worked for Lucifer too?"

"Yes, like I said, demon. Look, are you going to let us go, because I'd prefer not to draw the attention of any higher authorities from either side by miracling you out of the way, but I will if I have to.”

None of that sentence made any kind of rational sense, so he used an old trick he’d developed in the last few years and just ignored it. “What do you mean you’re tracking Charlie?”

“Somebody took him, and his Mum, and we’re going to try and rescue them, as soon as interfering police detectives decide to let us get on with it.”

“Kidnapped?” Dan felt a rush of rage. “You should have led with that! You want some police back-up?”

“You can come if you’re a friend of Mazikeen’s, but leave the uninitiated out of it. They were taken by someone dangerous, and any humans who get in her way are likely to get hurt.”

“Right,” Dan agreed. _Humans,_ the guy said. Like he wasn’t one. How many people were there out there in this freakin’ weirdo club? “Keep tracking, I’ll follow.”

“Good boy,” Crowley said. 

Dan got back into his car. _Wait, was that blonde guy bleeding?_ He picked up his phone and called Chloe.

Linda cradled Charlie tight to her chest, shivering with fear. Remiel was not the best driver, and she was going fast and swerving wildly. The baby’s car seat was sitting back by the front door. She lost her sense of direction quickly, but eventually the car spun to a halt by an old warehouse. Remiel opened the door and was about to haul her out, but Linda leaned away. “I can walk!” she insisted.

“Just remember if you run, I’m faster.”

“Okay. I’ll be good. Just don’t hurt Charlie. Please.”

“I have no intention of harming him. Now walk. In there.” She indicated the door to the warehouse and Linda’s feet slapped on the hot, hard ground. She hadn’t even put her shoes on yet today. The air wasn’t any cooler inside, but the floor was a more comfortable temperature. The place was huge and empty. Nowhere to hide.

“What’s going to happen now?” Linda asked.

“You’re going to wait quietly until I’m ready to fly again. And then I’m going to take the infant up to Heaven where he belongs.”

“He belongs with his mother. With his family.”

“We are his family. We’ll take good care of him.”

“Is that so? And what will you feed him? Do you even have diapers in Heaven?”

“He won’t need them. Angels don’t need to eat.”

“Yes, but he’s half human. He needs nourishment to grow.”

Remiel didn’t answer. She stalked away and began examining her wing. For a moment, she appeared to be swaying, just slightly. Charlie was fussing. She sat down on the floor to feed him, balancing him in the crook of her arm. And while Remiel was looking the other way, she put her hands together and prayed.

"You always were so bloody earnest, brother," Lucifer complained. "Well, the real you, anyway. I have to say this version is an improvement on the last one, it's almost enough to convince me. Always so utterly convinced that you're right. But you're not right. This is Hell. I'm stuck here. No hope of escape, no release for good behaviour, just me, being King, reigning in the chaos by sheer force of will. This is all there is for me now."

"Surely, there must be another way?"

"Do not tempt me!" he roared. "I can bear the lack of drink, the lack of fun, I can even bear the lack of music, but I cannot dare to even think about returning to those I've left behind."

"They miss you Luci. Don't you at least have a message for them? For her?"

"What can I say that can possibly bring her solace? What hope or comfort can my words bring when those things are denied me?"

It was a good question, and as his mind was groping for an answer he sensed something else. A prayer so bright in its faith it almost blinded him. _Amenadiel! I need you! Remiel's here and she wants to take Charlie._ There was no time. He had to move quickly. He listened to the rest while he grabbed Lucifer by the arm and pulled him towards the door.

Lucifer didn't come easily. He struggled and pulled back, and when that didn't work, he punched Amenadiel in the face. It made him smile when his brother paused and gave him a look that could have turned anyone else into a pillar of salt. "Well that was the most satisfying thing I've done in ages! Are you sure you're not real?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you! I left Linda and the baby to come talk to you, but now Remiel's there and they are in a lot of trouble. I need you to get out of this cell so that you can remember and make yourself useful!"

Lucifer stared at Amenadiel. "Remiel? That's different. In my loop it's always the demons who come after them."

"That's right, because loops are about guilt, but this is real."

"Perhaps…"

"Why don't you just step outside the door with me for a moment, if I'm an apparition, I'll just disappear and you can come back in here and keep punching me again. But if I'm real..."

Lucifer turned his face to the door and swallowed. If Amenadiel didn't know better he'd say he was nervous. "What's wrong? Why won't you go out- what have they done to you?"

"It's not them, it's me. It's the Devil I have to become to walk among them. Being on earth changed me this time. Becoming that monster… it troubles me more than ever before."

Amenadiel looked down, ashamed at his assumptions, and then back up. He couldn't say anything to give Lucifer hope, he was carrying too many burdens already, but he promised himself that he would keep searching until he found a way to set him free. He put his hand back on his arm, gently. "I'll be there with you. I know who you are, now, I won't let you forget. Come with me."

Lucifer nodded almost imperceptibly and they walked through the sliding doors. Amenadiel didn't vanish outside the cell. But he felt Lucifer's arm change under his fingers, heard the fabric of his suit tear as his body expanded and grew hot. The bat wings erupted from his back, his skin burned away to scars and his eyes flamed. 

"Luci…"

The corner of Satan's mouth turned upward. There was a fondness in the name that had once only been used to tease him. It felt real. And it reminded him of all that he was. "Is Charlie really in trouble?"

"Yes, and Linda too. I need your help to find Maze."

"That's easy. MAZIKEEN!" he bellowed. The walls shifted around them, and with a wrench of will they were somewhere else. Hastur lay unconscious on the floor and Maze had Beelzebub pinned to a stone wall with a knife to zzzir throat.

"There he is! Our dear beloved King!" Beelzebub drawled sarcastically. "All hail the King of Hell. What are doing out your palace, m'Lord?" Zzze only chuckled as the blade cut a little deeper, a trickle of red running down zzzir neck.

"Answers!" Maze barked.

"We don't have time for this," Lucifer growled. His voice was all fire and brimstone. "Tell her," he commanded in a way that could not be ignored.

"Some of us were quite happy without a King!" zzzir said quickly. "So we thought if we put you in a cell we just get on with it like we've been doing since you left. Running things the way we want, playing Lords and Princes. You were getting soft, it was too easy to convince you to stay in there so we could play."

Lucifer narrowed his eyes and barbed chains slithered out the wall behind the demon. They wound around zzzir wrists, neck and ankles, piecing skin and pulling in every direction at once. Zzze gasped as zzze tried not to cry out, but with a tilt of his head, the chains jerked harshly and zzzir scream mingled with the sound of something tearing. "I have other business to attend to," he said coldly. "You can stay there until I say otherwise." He glanced at Hastur on the floor. Another chain cooled itself around his ankles, binding them together, and drawing him feet first on the air. He started to rouse as a pair of heavy manacles snapped over his wrists and bolted themselves to the floor. Just in time to realise that he was about to be stretched very thin.

"My Lord! My Lord have mercy!" he begged.

"No." Lucifer turned back to Amenadiel. "Let's get out of here."

Amenadiel nodded, and then they were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be in line with what Mr. Gaiman had announced, I have just edited all of Beelzebub's pronouns. Please let me know if I missed any!


	5. Pointy or Breaky?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda shows her spikey side.

_Aziraphale, where are you?_ Amenadiel prayed when they got back to the apartment.

 _Here._ He shared his field of vision as they pulled up outside the warehouse, along with a sense of where it was. _They’re inside. I’m so sorry, brother, but-_

_It’s okay, Linda called, and I’ve brought backup._

_So have we! A police detective who seems to know all of you._

_Chloe?_

_No, a man. Espinoza._

_Aziraphale, be careful, he doesn’t know about us. That we’re really angels._

_He doesn’t? Oh bother. I better inform Crowley._

_Wait there, we’re on our way._ He focussed his eyes back on Lucifer and Maze. Lucifer looked human again, but not his usual pristine self. “I can find them. But Dan’s with them, so we can’t just fly in. We’ll stop around the corner and run.”

“Got it,” Maze said.

“Off we pop then,” Lucifer agreed. “I ought not to leave Beelzebub hanging for too long. Actually, on second thoughts, nevermind.”

Amenadiel took hold of their arms and they went, landing in the shade of the building. Before he even draw breath to speak, Maze sped off to the door. 

"Maze, wait! We need a plan!" he called after her, but it was too late.

"Maze is a plan, brother."

"Against Remy?"

Lucifer still didn't seem concerned. "Who invited the Douche?" he asked when he spotted Dan rushing up with Aziraphale and Crowley. The latter loitered at the back of the group, trying to avoid the Devil’s notice. “Crowley?” Because of course it was never going to work. “What on earth are you doing here?”

“Um… perhaps we could talk about that later. Right now there’s a baby to rescue, yes?”

“Yes. Detective Douche, I recommend you stay out here and keep watch. Shout if anyone else turns up, with or without wings.”

“Wings?” he enquired, baffled. But everyone else headed straight for the door. He decided to call Chloe and warn her who has suddenly back.

Inside the warehouse, Linda was sitting against the wall on the far side of the room. Remiel and Maze were circling each other. There was already a large bruise forming on the demon’s face, but she had done a good job of drawing Remmy’s attention, turning her away from the door. The angel was bleeding too, streams of red down her back and over her brown feathers. “Why is she moving so slowly?” Amenadiel whispered. “She should have had Maze on the floor by now.”

“Crowley bit her,” Aziraphale said proudly, though he seemed to be struggling for breath. He was still holding the rag to his shoulder. “Two doses of demon venom. Honestly, I’m surprised she’s still moving at all.”

Amenadiel’s eyebrows slowly rose. “I’m impressed. Shall we finish the job, brother?” he asked Lucifer.

“Yes. Let’s.”

They approached from behind, but she heard them coming and turned. She tried to fly up and away, but with her wings hurt she barely made it off the ground, tumbling back down quickly.

“Oh, sister, have you _fallen?”_ Lucifer mocked as he walked over and hit her squarely in the mouth before she could get back up. She already had a cut above one eye. “Shame. I was looking forward to more of a fight.” He grabbed her by the throat and lifted her up into the air. “I think Amenadiel was too. Here, brother, catch!” He threw her towards him, and he side-stepped out the way.

“Oops. I appear to have missed,” Amenadiel said dryly, as she landed in a heap. He took a fistful of her hair and pulled her up, dragged her over to the wall and smashed her face against it. “Maze, would you like to come and play? I think I could use some of your expertise. How does one torture the person who _stole our baby?”_

Maze walked over slowly, spinning her remaining knife. “She took our friend too. She’s going to pay for that. I like the idea of sticking her full of pointy things.” Her fingers ran up the feathers, pushing them all the wrong way, until they found the holes made by Crowley’s teeth. She plunged a finger into each one, pulling and tearing the insides further apart. Remiel groaned. 

Lucifer took the other wing and pulled. “Personally, I like breaking things. Bones make a particularly satisfying crunch.”

“Amenadiel, how can you let them do this?” she begged. “Your precious human is watching. Do you think she wants to see you hurt your own sister?”

“You don’t know our human, very well, do you?” Maze laughed. “So Linda, what do you think. Pointy or breaky?”

“Or both?” Crowley suggested from his place by the door. “No reason we couldn’t do both. I mean, it’s not as poetic, but she kebabbed my Angel and put a hole in my tail.” 

Linda looked at him, her eyes narrowed, and then got to her feet and offered him the baby.

“You realise last time someone handed me a celestial infant, the world nearly ended?” he warned her.

“We’re still here. Hold him. Aziraphale’s hurt and he might drop him.”

Crowley took Charlie and tried not to look at him too closely. He didn’t want to be infected by whatever power it was that seemed to make everyone else turn to pudding around him.

Linda walked over to where Remiel was being held against the wall. She stood to the side so that she could look at her face. “What was going to happen to Charlie when you took him to Heaven?”

“You couldn’t possibly understand.”

“As Mazikeen pointed out, you don’t know me. What was your plan?”

When she smirked in answer, Amenadiel smacked her head against the wall again. It left a dent in the wall, and her eyes went slightly bleary. 

“I thought, if I brought a new angel to heaven, Father might start taking notice again. I miss him. He got distracted by the humans, but if I could show Him Charlie, He might spend time with us.”

“Let me get this straight. You were going to use my baby to win points with your Dad? You don’t have the first idea how to look after him. And you were going to take him away from his mother, for your own selfish reasons?” She shook her head. “If we let you go, will you do it again?”

“First chance I get!” she gloated.

Linda took a few steps back, knowing that what she wanted to say could change the way the universe worked forever. She looked at the collection of immortal beings that she had come to see as friends. As family. She looked at Lucifer, all torn and filthy with ash. It wasn’t just the clothes, his face was haunted, and marked with grief. And she looked at her son, in the arms of a demon. Nothing unusual about that. But to keep him safe, she knew Remiel had to be stopped.

“Take her to Hell,” she said. Three pairs of eyes turned to her in astonishment. 

"What?" Remiel screeched. "No!"

"They want a King, right? And it has to be an angel. Let it be her. Would that work?"

Amenadiel and Lucifer exchanged glances. "She'll still try to escape," Amenadiel pointed out. 

"She won't get far," Lucifer answered. "You always managed to drag me back, and she's not as sneaky as I am. Besides, I know of a lovely little palace that might just hold her."

"You want to put her in that cell?" Maze grinned. "Awesome."

"I'll go down with her, make sure everyone understands there's a change in leadership." He turned and looked at Crowley. "You can come with me. I may need to enlist Beelzebub's help, and for some reason there's a rumour going around that you're the only one besides me that she's afraid of."

_"Me?"_

He twisted the wing and there was a crunch. It was indeed a satisfying sound. Remiel was whimpering. "Doctor, Dan's outside and he has a car, so he can take you and the wounded angel home. Maze too, just in case. My brother and I will take Crowley and see that our sister is all settled in her new home."

Linda took Charlie and went outside.

"Before you go-" Aziraphale said boldly. "May I have a moment? With my um… partner?"

Lucifer raised an eyebrow. "Alright. Make it brief."

"Crowley-"

Whatever fears and insecurities the demon felt were pushed aside by the need to take that look of pain away from that precious face. So he lied like he'd never lied before. "Don't worry, Angel, I'll be fine."

"But- Beelzebub?"

"Well whatever you said to zzir worked, if the rumours have gotten as far as the Boss. And I'll be with him. And the scary one. We'll get things sorted and we'll be back before you know it. Especially with the time differences. We can still be back in Soho by the morning."

"My dear. My love." This was it. This was why humans clung together so desperately, because of the fear that came with separation. He dropped the rag and took Crowley's face in both hands, smearing it with his blood.

"Don't. Don't you dare kiss me now, not with them watching." Flimsy excuse, but it would do in a pinch.

Aziraphale nodded. "Come back soon. Promise me."

"I promise."

"Good." He let go and took a step back. "Off you pop, then." And he walked outside without looking back.

Crowley sauntered as calmly as he could over to the other angels. Amenadiel grasped his arm firmly. "Ready?"

"Let's get this over with."

Someone burst through the door with a shout, and he turned to see a blonde woman running towards them. "'Lucifer!" she called, but they were already shifting through the dimensions. 

They landed in a corridor between the jagged stones, ash floating all around them. Lucifer was looking even more grey and determined than he was before. He swore so vehemently that the curses turned into bats and flapped all around them. 

"Luci!"

He stopped. The bats flew off.

"Linda will tell her what's going on. We sort things out here, you'll see her again."

He nodded. "Right. Remiel, let me show you to your quarters." The corridor spun and shifted until they were beside a door. Lucifer opened it and threw her inside. The room blurred from the image of penthouse into a dusty, abandoned mall. Her spear lay broken in half in the floor. 

"This is where we fought. You told me-"

"I lied," she snarled.

"Lovely. Brother, are you happy to keep an eye on her here while I take Crowley to see some demons? She's strong willed, so it might take a while for the loop to take hold, but she's also fresh blood and I think Hell will enjoy getting the taste of her."

"It would be my pleasure, brother."

Crowley followed Lucifer out the door. They walked this time, but the walls moved much faster than the pace of their long strides. "I need you to be your most cocky self and follow my lead. Once they agree to our terms, we can let them down."

"Down? In what way are they up?"

Lucifer grinned at him and opened a door. Crowley felt his heart warming at the sight of Beelzebub and Hastur in chains that were pulling them almost apart. He licked his lips. "Oh my Dark Lord, this is beautiful. Praise Satan!" he cheered, and waved a fist in the air for good measure.

Beelzebub and Hastur only looked at him in anguish. "What's he doing here?" zzze groaned.

"He's going to help me with my negotiations. And when I say negotiations, I mean I'm going to tell you what's going to happen, and you are going to carry out my orders without question. Understood?"

They nodded. If they had orders to follow, then they weren't about to be obliterated. 

"Lovely. First thing: Hell needs a King but you seemed to be of the opinion that it didn't matter if that King was kept in a cell. Is that correct?"

"You still wielded great power My Lord, even when confined."

"But you had enough freedom to run things as you wanted. What did you plan to change?"

"Nothing significant, I promise! Just keep things running. Have a say in who goes where, how the torture gets done. Maybe make sure we get the first dibs on the new ones, break them in properly."

"No plans to go back up to earth? Cause mayhem? Try to bring about Armageddon again?"

"No My Lord! You were quite clear, earth is out of bounds."

"Wouldn't want to go back up there anyway," Hastur added. "Miserable place."

"Do you think between the two of you, that you could keep Hell running smoothly?"

"What about our King? Where will you be?"

"You're not asking the questions here, Beelzebub," Crowley said warningly. He strolled over let his face get close up to hers.

Zzze sniffed and shivered. "That's angel blood."

He couldn't stop the corner of his mouth twisting upward. "What, this?" He wiped a finger over his cheek and flicked out his tongue to lick it. It tasted of Aziraphale, or what he imagined his Angel should taste like, based on his smell. He couldn't disguise the pleasure he felt, but thankfully the Duke of Hell misinterpreted it. Zzze turned her face away in disgust and fear. "So, do you think you're up to the task of running Hell?"

"Yes! We could do it. We were doing it, for a while. When he was away."

"Up until Dromos got loose," Lucifer pointed out. "Oh, and then there was the time Mum escaped too."

Crowley eyed zzzir, and zzze looked away. "You let that happen on purpose, didn't you?"

"Yes, okay, we did. We thought it might get your attention. You'd been gone so long without word. Without a King, this place was starting to fall apart. More than usual, that is. The very bones of the place were starting to crumble."

"I know how Hell works, Beelzebub," Lucifer growled. 

"My Lord," zzze bowed her head.

"So. Hell needs a King but I’m bored of the job. So I found you a new one. She’ll need some training, but don’t teach her everything at once. Let her work some of it out on her own. So long as you promise to leave Earth alone, I’ll promise to leave you alone. Do we have a deal?”

Zzze nodded. “Yes! Yes, My Lord!”

“Lovely. Let’s go meet the new King.” With a wave of his hand, the chains disappeared, and the two demons fell to the floor. Reality whirled again and they were back in front Remiel’s cell. Lucifer opened the door, and the three demons followed him in. It was safe for him now, the cell was tuned into her. She stood in the centre of the room, jumping at shadows.

“That’s our new King?” Beelzebub laughed. “That sparrow?”

“Yes. Do you think she’ll do?”

“Oh, My Lord, she’s perfect! Thank you, great Satan!” Zzze turned on the spot and bowed deeply to Lucifer.

“It’s Remiel you should be bowing to now.”

“She may be my King in title, but she’ll never be what you were.”

“She’ll learn. Look, she’s adapting already.” Remiel had picked up the two halves of her spear, and held them together until they became one. She raised it up against the shadows that taunted her. “She’ll find her power. Go, bow to her. Let Hell know who’s in charge.”

Hastur went and obeyed quickly, while Beelzebub hesitated by zzzir namesake. “Will I see you again, My Lord?”

“I bloody hope not,” he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, everyone is about to get very well looked after. I'm just deciding whether to add an extra domestic fluff scene on the end in addition to that.


	6. Happy Reunion

“Hold still!” Maze commanded Aziraphale. “This is hard enough without you wiggling around.”

“I thought you were supposed to be good with pointy things?”

“Yeah, for slicing people up, not putting them back together. I can wield a knife with surgical precision, but for some reason, I can’t seem to get a single stitch straight.”

“It’s not that bad, really, I’m sure it’ll heal all by itself.”

“It was a celestial weapon, those things are nasty. You’ve lost enough blood already, and I’m sure Crowley won’t let me hear the end of it if you pass out.”

His jacket and waistcoat, both torn and stained, were folded neatly in his lap, and he stroked them absently as if wishing they could be miracled better. But they were past redemption and he knew it. He kept his shirt on over his good shoulder, for the sake of propriety, and because he would be absolutely mortified if Crowley returned to find him half naked already. The thought of that demon's eyes on his skin was terribly intimate and he felt himself grow warm at the thought. And not just from embarrassment.

Maze smirked. "What's going on in your head, Angel-cake?"

"I… what?"

"You're blushing. All over."

"I am not."

Maze cocked an eyebrow at him. "You're thinking about my brother, aren't you? You want any tips?"

"Tips?"

"Make sure you've got some lube. And don't worry about the mess, that's the fun part."

"Linda, what's she talking about?"

"You'll find out. Maze, somehow I can't see either of them going to buy some, you have a spare bottle you could donate?"

She laughed. "Okay, sure. We can call it a wedding present."

"What? Ouch! Will you focus please?"

"Oh come on, it barely tickles. You're lucky I can even get this thing through your skin. Are you just not as tough as your big brothers, or are you just feeling particularly vulnerable right now?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Amenadiel figured out you angels are basically walking metaphors," Linda explained. "Your opinion of yourself affects your… corporeal form."

"Well, I never! That explains a lot. Does it work for demons too?"

"I don't know. I'm just awesome, so I can't tell."

"Maybe it does," Linda suggested. "Maybe that's why you look as gorgeous as you do."

Maze softened somehow, ever so slightly, at the compliment.

There was a whoosh and the room suddenly got a lot busier. “Where is she?” Lucifer asked without so much as a greeting.

“With Dan, bathing the baby. They’re-”

“DETECTIVE!!!” He headed towards the bathroom but didn’t get far because she cannon-balled into him, holding him tightly. He squeezed her back, and then lifted her face and wiped her tears. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m just happy!” She grabbed his cheeks and pulled him down to kiss him, long and deep.

“Get a room!” Maze yelled.

“She’s right,” Lucifer smiled. “We need to get to the penthouse right away.”

“I’ve got my car.”

“I’ll drive.”

They practically ran hand in hand towards the front door, but Chloe turned around at the last minute. “Thank you. Everyone. Really.” And then she was tugged away, laughing.

Crowley barely noticed the exchange. His eyes were fixed on Aziraphale. “Mazikeen, what in Heaven’s name are you doing with that button?”

She chuckled. “It’s kind of my signature. You like it?”

“No. Put it away!”

“Spoilsport. You want to do this yourself?”

“Yes, actually, I think that’s a much better idea.” He pushed his shades up onto his head for a better view, and took the needle from her hand, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth in concentration. Aziraphale flushed a little deeper.

“Are you sure you know how to do this, my dear?”

“How hard can it be?”

“Your hands are shaking.”

“Just hold still. It’s almost done.” A couple more stitches (much tidier than Mazikeen’s) and the wound was closed. She handed him a sterile dressing and he taped in place, his touch gentle and his fingertips lingering. Maze groaned and walked away quickly.

Amenadiel smiled. “I better go find my brother something else to wear.”

Dan came into the living room carrying Charlie, wrapped up in his blanket. “What did I miss?” Crowley dropped his sunglasses back down with a quick flick of his head.

“Happy reunion,” Linda smiled. “We might not see Chloe or Lucifer for a while.”

Dan’s eyes widened as he handed her the baby. “So they’re a thing, again? I just hope for her sake they can make it work this time."

"Well, his business is all taken care of, so that helps. I'm sure they'll figure it out."

"I should probably get back to work. Are you sure you don’t want to file a report?”

“Quite sure. Amenandiel’s sister had a bit of an… episode, but she won’t be troubling us again. He’s taken care of it. Haven’t you, Amenadiel?”

He was just returning with a tee shirt and hoodie. “She’s got a room all of her own, and we’ve left instructions to keep a close eye on her.”

“Oh, man, that’s harsh,” he said, drawing his own conclusions. “I can just put it down as a family disturbance, if you like. Particularly as _someone_ refuses to get checked at the hospital.”

“It’s really not as bad as it looks,” Aziraphale assured him. “Besides, all patched up now.”

“Okay. If you say so. Maze, are you still good for gym tonight?"

"Wouldn't miss it!"

"Great. Okay if I drop Trixie off when I pick you up? Something tells me Chloe's going to be busy."

"Sure. She can help me with Charlie."

"Thanks. See ya later!"

"You go to the gym with that guy?" Crowley asked when he was gone.

"Sure. I mean, it's not like I need to, but it's fun. Sexy glutes, sweaty bodies, self-inflicted torture… what's not to love?"

"When you put it like that, I can see how it might be your kind of thing."

Aziraphale looked suspiciously at the clothes Amenadiel handed him. "Perhaps I'll just go back in the other room to change."

"Come on," Maze urged, "it's not like any of us haven't seen naked angel flesh before."

Crowley cleared his throat. "Except me, obviously."

"What, you're telling me that in all this time, you never even peeked?"

"Well I just… I mean I never… Oh, shut up Maze."

"Come on Posh Spice, don't be shy, you're half-way there already."

"Oh Maze, leave the poor guy alone," Linda said. "He's just a bit self-conscious. Aziraphale, you do whatever makes you feel more comfortable." 

"Thank you Linda," he replied, and went back into the bedroom, taking his spoiled clothes with him. Crowley watched him go with a sigh.

"So how long have you been in love with him?" Linda asked with a cheeky grin. Maze went to fetch more vodka from the kitchen.

"Hard to say. I'm a demon so it took me quite a while to figure out what it was, and then even longer to admit it to myself. But I liked him from the very beginning. He never was a very good angel."

"And yet it's taken you all this time. Why do you think that is?"

"Well, you see, there's Heaven, and their lot, and then there's Hell and our lot, and to be honest, it's a bloody miracle he even let me keep hanging around. But then he's always been fairly easy to tempt with the socially acceptable vices. You know, gluttony, drunkenness, pride. I think that's part of the attraction. That and his stubborn determination to believe in what's right, even after all they've done to him." He took the drink Maze offered.

Linda shook her head. "I will never understand celestial politics. But then I'm the Devil's therapist, so I might have a slightly biased view."

Crowley almost choked on the vodka. "I'm sorry, did you say _therapist?_ Satan is in therapy?"

"Oops. Probably shouldn't have mentioned that. Forgot who I was talking to for a moment. It's been a busy day."

Crowley scoffed. Had it just been this morning that he'd woken up in Aziraphale's arms? The thought made his chest ache with longing to get home and do it all again.

Aziraphale walked back into the room wearing the grey and slightly baggy clothes. "I'll admit that while it may not be my preferred style, it is rather comfy." Crowley could tell by the way the corners of his mouth twitched that he wasn't happy, but loved him for putting a brave face on it. His efforts not to offend were disgustingly cute, and a demon really shouldn't like that sort of thing. There was only one thing to do about it. He snapped his fingers and they changed into the pale colours the angel had been wearing for thousands of years.

Aziraphale's smile reached his eyes and crinkled his nose.

Linda was stunned. "Did you just…" 

"How can you have spent all these years around celestials and never seen a miracle before?"

"Well, I've seen _stuff_ but that was just, like, magic!"

"I can do magic tricks too!" Aziraphale said proudly. 

"No you can't, and please don't embarrass me in front of Amenadiel."

"Mazikeen's right, you're a spoilsport," he teased, coming to sit on the couch beside Crowley. 

"Don't start, Angel."

Aziraphale's lips twitched again, but this time in humour. "So, what happened Down There? Has the baby snatching sister got a new crown?"

"You seem a bit too pleased at the thought of her in Hell, are you sure you're still an angel?"

"We're creatures of justice and vengeance, and she poked a whopping great hole in both of us."

"Yes, my tail still stings, I'll have to deal with it soon. But first I have to gloat over the torment of some old acquaintances." He described the situation with Beelzebub and Hastur with great relish, and went on to tell of Remiel's coronation. 

“Hang on," Linda said, confused. "I thought _Lucifer_ was Beelzebub?”

“He's _the_ Beelzebub. Zzze’s _a_ Beelzebub. And zzze's a royal pain in the arse.”

“Mom went through a phase of naming a bunch of her kids after Lucifer’s aliases,” Maze explained. 

“Doesn’t that get confusing?”

“Not really. You just tell the difference in the context and the way a demon says it. There's a subtle difference in Lilim too.” She demonstrated, but Linda couldn't catch it.

"So Remiel's gone. The bad demons are all contained, and Lucifer's back. Does this mean we can all relax a little?"

Amenadiel sighed. "I hope so. I'll keep an eye out, but it should be quiet for a while at least."

"Crowley, my dear, you must let us take a look at your tail."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. But once it's bandaged you can curl up on my lap to keep warm while it heals."

"Promise?"

"Of course."

Linda found it slightly eerie when his body seemed to melt, clothes and all, into a twelve foot long serpent. The widest part of his new form was about the size of Aziraphale's arm. But it was absolutely adorable the way he slithered towards his Angel, and nuzzled against his good shoulder. 

"Oh my dear!" he gasped when he saw the wound. "You must be in so much pain!" There was indeed a gaping hole, a couple of inches across, and it went clear through. Aziraphale took hold of it quickly, pressing it together, blood flowing over his hands. "It's too much, I need help."

Amenadiel grabbed some spare muslins from the diaper bag and came to his side quickly. "It's all right, brother, we can fix him. Let me see." He held one of the soft fabric squares under the tail end Aziraphale opened his hands. It was a mess. "How has he been walking around like this all day?"

"Because he's a bloody stubborn bastard, that's how. He gets things done by sheer force of will." His voice was trembling, like he was trying very hard not to fall apart.

"That's good," Linda said. "Remember what I said earlier about self-image? If he thinks he's strong enough, he will be."

"Right," Amenadiel agreed. "If he were a human, we'd be in a lot of trouble, but his stubbornness will help him. Crowley?"

His face was still buried against Aziraphale's chest, hiding from the pain that was a lot more difficult to ignore in this form. He hissed to show he was listening.

"I'm not sure if stitching this is going to do any good, and even if it would, I wouldn't know where to start. I think our best bet is to clean it out and press the two sides back together, and then wrap it up in a tight bandage. Do you agree?".

He nodded without looking up. 

Amenadiel passed Aziraphale the spare cloth. "Wipe your hands. I'll need you to hold him."

"What are you going to do?"

"I need to check what's happened to the bone. Make sure there's no splinters in there that could cause more damage. Maze, I'll need some of your vodka." She handed him a glass from the table and went for another bottle. She came back with a small, shallow bowl too. 

"What's that for?"

"Crowley." She filled it with booze and held it near his head. "Have some more of this, Snake-boy, it's about to get hard-core." He lapped at it greedily with his forked tongue and have her a subtle nod before burying his face again. Aziraphale stroked him softly, and then took a firm grip on his tail. Amenadiel poured alcohol in the wound to clear it, and was glad to note that the vertebrae were still intact. Further investigation (which proved difficult as it was nigh impossible to stop him from wriggling) found that a few of the fragile ribs had been broken off, and were in danger of piercing what appeared to be some kind of organ. Possibly a kidney, from its texture. "Linda, could you bring me some tweezers please?" While she went to get them, he explained. "Some of your ribs are broken and I'm worried that they'll do more damage. I'm going to try to get them back into position, but if that doesn't work, I might have to remove them."

Aziraphale whimpered. 

"I'll need more light. Maze, could you hold him still on the table while I do this?"

"Sure." She carefully lifted his tail and placed it in a clear space in the coffee table. It left Aziraphale free to soothe Crowley. He hissed loudly as Amenadiel worked, and burrowed inside the now beige hoodie, finding solace in the warmth and the dark and the familiar scent. Mazikeen's grip was strong on his tail, but the middle of his body kept twisting and writhing. He couldn't help it. He could feel things being pulled and tugged inside him and it wasn't pleasant. He relaxed a little when Amenadiel announced it was done. Only one rib had needed to be removed. 

"I'm going to wrap it up now. It'll be fairly tight, and you should try not to move it too much. Keep it elevated for a few hours until it stops bleeding. I know you will heal fast, but you're welcome to stay another night or two until you're both fully recovered."

"That's very generous, thank you."

"After all you two have done for my family today, it's the least I can do."

"Amenadiel," Linda asked as he secured the bandage in place, "how did you know how to do all that?"

"After Mom nearly killed you, I decided it would be a good thing to learn. Just in case. So I studied some biology and medicine. Although my research didn't include snake anatomy, which I may have to remedy."

"You'd make an excellent doctor, you know."

"Thank you, but it would take me away from all of you too much, and this is where I need to be for now. Linda, now we're all settled, I think you should get some rest. Our injured friends too. I'll clean up in here and make sure there's food in time for when Trixie comes."

She stood and kissed the top of his head on the way past. "You're too good. You spoil us."

He smiled. "Take Maze with you. So I know you're safe."

"I get to chill out in bed while you clean up? Awesome."

Crowley poked out his head and gave a short hiss for attention, nodding towards his bowl of vodka. Maze handed it to Aziraphale as she stood to leave. He held it, and Crowley lapped it up. When he stopped to look up, his head was gently weaving side to side.

"Does that help, my dear?"

Snakes can't really grin, but his golden eyes seemed more relaxed. He flicked out his tongue and caught the edge of Aziraphale's jaw.

"Right you are. Would you kindly pass me his tail, brother, I think he's just got completely sozzled, but I can hardly blame him." With the tail draped carefully over his neck, and his arms full of coils, he carried his demon to Maze's room. He laid him carefully on the bed, wedged a pillow at the top of the headboard, and rested his bandaged tail on top of it. Then he put the rest of the pillows at the foot of the bed and laid down so that they were face to face. “You were so brave, today, Crowley, I’m very proud of you.”

“Sssso you.” He could talk in snake form, but he generally didn’t because it was difficult and it never came out quite right.

“Is it strange that I still want to hold you like this?”

“Coursssss not. Sssstill me.”

“Oh Crowley,” he reached out and pulled him to his chest. “Don’t ever run away again. Or at least, if you have to, tell me that’s what you’re doing and promise me you’ll come back.”

“Ssssorry Angel. Got usss in troublessss.”

“Well, yes, but it all worked out in the end. And we both got reacquainted with some family, which was lovely.”

“Home sssssooon.”

“Yes, of course. As soon as you’re well enough, and I’ve got my strength back. I’ll admit the events of the day have drained my resources somewhat. We’ll stay one more night.”

Crowley pulled his head back to meet his gaze. It involved wiggling up slightly, so he could still keep their bellies pressed together. How could one face look so happy and so terribly broken at the same time? He wished he had arms to hold him until it was all better. But then he remembered something Aziraphale had said that morning, and pushed his head under him, slithering over and under so that he was coiled twice around him. The angel gave a confused giggle, but then relaxed into it, rolling onto his back and stroking smooth scales. “You’re beautiful too, you know.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think this counts as resting.”

“Don’t care. Want closssse.” He nuzzled at Aziraphale’s neck and sniffed his curls with his tongue. He squeezed a little tighter, knowing it wouldn’t hurt, but felt something shift inside himself. The anatomy was different but he recognised the sense of hunger. He suddenly realised the position he’d put them in, and why the idea had seemed so appealing once he’d thought of it. It was pretty much the snake equivalent of straddling his hips. He hissed out several choice curses in Lilim. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Out.” They disengaged quickly.

“Don’t tell me I was squashing you.”

“No. Too mussssss. Too ssssssssssss.”

Aziraphale wasn’t sure how to interpret the broken words, but he recognised the way Crowley refused to look him directly in the eye. He’d been doing that a lot before he left. “Too sexy?”

“Mmmm. Ssssssnake. Coilsss. ’Ssssa thing.”

“Oh?” He grinned mischievously. “Perhaps I’ll remember that one for later then. In the meantime, perhaps we better just lie down, side by side, and not start anything we won’t be able to stop.”

A hissing nod. They settled back down and gazed at each other. Aziraphale wanted to tell him everything, to let all his feelings spill out in superlative vocabulary, to let him know how sorry he was for fighting what was clearly the best thing that could have happened to him. But he knew, too, that once he started down that path, there'd be no stopping him either. He resisted temptation for about half an hour before he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Crowley,” he said, ever so softly, “I love you.” The Serpent of Eden gave no sign that he’d heard, and the angel noticed how little he moved, and the evenness of his breathing, and it occurred to him that he’d read somewhere that snakes sleep with their eyes open. “And I’m an utter idiot.” He smiled, and closed his eyes. Miraculously, he was able to sleep too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there is one more chapter to go, but it is pure tooth-rotting fluff, I tell you! Should go up around the same time next week.


	7. Snoot Boop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie makes another demon friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for more fluff, and more fluff is what you shall receive.

Crowley awoke with a slightly aching head and a very sore tail, but once again wrapped in his Angel's arms. He nuzzled into his hoodie for the sake of warm and dark, only to hear a gentle knock at the bedroom door.

"Gentlemen? Dinner's almost ready if you'd like to get up. Amenadiel made pasta."

"Thank you Linda," Aziraphale answered. "We'll be there in a moment." He stroked down Crowley's back. It felt wonderful- smooth and silky. He had lived a long time, and seen a great many strange things, but being in bed with a snake he loved was not one of them. It was just Crowley, after all. "How are you feeling, my dear?"

"Ssssore."

"Would you like to come and eat something? Might take your mind off it."

He drew his head out and tasted the air, experimentally. "Ssssmellss good. Sssomeone new here."

"Stay here. I'll check."

Crowley hissed again as his Angel sat up.

"I'll come straight back. But you mustn't try to slither about, you'll only hurt your tail."

Crowley waited. Today had already gone about as downhill as a day could go, surely it could only get better from here?

The door opened. "It's a young girl, the policeman’s daughter. How do you feel about changing back?"

Crowley melted back into a more human shape, his feet still up on the headboard. He sat up slowly and wiggled his ankles. "Come here, Angel."

"What is it?" Aziraphale asked as he sat beside him.

"I just got arms back. They want to hold you." He did so as he spoke, his voice miserable and full of self pity.

Aziraphale smiled his sweetest smile, the one that made his eyes wrinkle at the corners. "As often as you wish, Crowley my darling."

The demon hummed a sigh at the words of endearment, and laid his head on his shoulder. "I want this all day, everyday. It may be decadent but it feels amazing."

His partner kissed his hair. "I'm sure we can find all sorts of ways to pass the time together. We could, perhaps, even go on a real date."

"So long as I don't have to let go, we can do whatever you want."

"I think you're still a bit tipsy from all that vodka."

"Damn right, I am. When that stuff wears off this is going to hurt like a bastard. I may need to raid Mazikeen's stash."

"I expect Linda has something for the pain. Come on, let's go and ask her. I could use something too."

"Your shoulder still hurts?"

"It's not unbearable, but I wouldn't say no to a few paracetamol."

"I don't think they have those here. It's all aspirin or something."

They made their way back to the living room, where the family greeted them.

"Where's Maze?" Crowley asked. 

"At the gym, with Dad," answered a young girl. She looked about the age where she was starting to resemble a young woman more than an infant, the in between age where one starts to see the world for what it really is. "You must be Crowley. I'm Trixie."

"Hello. Your dad's the detective?"

"Yep. And my mom. But she's _finally_ going on a proper date with Lucifer so here I am."

"Finally? How long have you been waiting?"

"Since I was like, eight. Which is forever at my age. But sometimes it takes grownups ages to work out their feelings."

"Indeed. Literal ages, in some cases." 

Aziraphale took a step closer and took his hand. "Worth the wait, though."

"I just hope that they work it out this time. She's good for him. And I like him." The statement raised a few eyebrows.

Amenadiel called them to the table. The food was good, and Aziraphale said as much.

"So you two are a couple?" Trixie asked bluntly.

"Trixie!" Linda scolded.

"It's all right Linda," Aziraphale said. "Children are naturally inquisitive. It's good for them to ask questions, it's how they learn and understand. Yes, Trixie. We've been friends for a very long time, but things have changed recently and now we're a couple."

"That's really romantic. All Romeo and Juliet. We learned about them in school."

"I hope you're not suggesting we're about to die?" Crowley teased.

"No, I just mean with the opposing sides. You're Maze's brother, right?"

"Technically half brother. Same mother, different father."

"And Aziraphale, you're Lucifer and Amenadiel's brother?"

"I am," he said, his fork pausing on its journey to his mouth.

"So that makes you an angel and a demon. No wonder it took you a long time."

Linda sputtered on in her drink of water. Amenadiel widened his eyes. "Trixie, when did you find out?"

"Find out what?"

"That we're angels?"

"It's not exactly a secret. I mean, Lucifer's around our house all the time. Or at least, he used to be."

"Oh, is she not supposed to know?" Crowley said. Trixie suspected he just winked at her, but it was hard to tell through the sunglasses.

"No," Linda said. "I mean, Lucifer never lies about who he is, but most people don't people just don't believe it."

"Yeah, Mom was a complete sceptic for ages. I didn't have the heart to tell her. It was hard enough getting her to realise she liked him without _that_ getting in the way. But I knew. I think since he saved me and Mom from the bad man. He nearly died, but he got better, so he must be some kind of magical, right? Besides, Maze is my best friend. Hey Crowley, does that mean you have a scary face too? Can I see it?"

"Not like Mazikeen's. But I can turn into a snake."

"Crowley, don't scare the child."

"Don't be ridiculous, Angel. This one's not afraid of us, are you Trixie?" He tilted his chin and peered over the top of his shades, giving her just a flash of yellow before he pushed them back up again. She rewarded him with a delightful giggle. "If our hosts don't object, I might show you after dinner. But it's trickier to use a knife and fork when you don't have arms."

"Please, Linda? I promise I'll be good."

"I don't see why not. But he has to change back before your dad gets here. I don't think he's quite ready to deal with the fact that his gym buddy's a demon and his best friend is an angel."

"Good point. Is Dad going to be okay, Linda? He's been really sad for a long time."

"Of course he will, sweetie, but it might take a while. But we're all going to help him. You just need to keep giving him hugs, okay?"

"I can do that. Dad's hugs are great. Lucifer needs lots of hugs too, I think."

"Oh, I do like her," Crowley grinned. 

After the main course, there was homemade chocolate cake, which pleased those with a sweet tooth immensely. When dinner was finished, they all helped clear away. Trixie volunteered to help get Charlie ready for bed. "I mean, if Lucifer and Mom end up married, then Charlie will kinda be my cousin, right?"

"That's true," Linda said. "I don't know whether they'll do anything that official, but I do think we could consider ourselves all family."

Aziraphale beamed as they went on their way. He glanced at all the washing up and, deciding it was too much effort to deal with, miracled it all clean and put away.

Amenadiel scoffed. "Don't let the humans see you do that. I can't have them expecting miracles every day."

"Sorry. Been here on earth so long, I tend to cut corners. So long as I don't do too many all at once, nobody seems to notice. Although I have been trying to keep more of a low profile since my attempted execution."

"I heard about that. I'm not sure who's worse these days, Gabriel or Michael."

"They're both assholes," Crowley stated. "Sorry Amenadiel, but most of your family are gits. Mind you, so are mine, so I won't hold it against you."

"It's been perfectly lovely to get reacquainted, though, brother," Aziraphale added quickly.

"It has," he agreed. "And it's good to have family who sees the humans as I do." He looked at them both seriously. "I can't thank you enough for what you've both done today."

"Don't mention it. Really," Crowley said. "The less people who know about our part in it, the better, as far as I'm concerned. Aziraphale and I would like very much just to be left alone to get on with our own lives."

"That doesn't include you lot, of course. We do have to get back to London, but I'd like to stay in touch."

"I'd like that too, brother. You're always welcome to visit." He found a bottle of wine and four glasses, and they all day sat down to drink. The guests were pleasantly surprised. 

"This is lovely," Aziraphale said.

"Maze started raiding Lucifer's wine cellar when she thought he wasn't coming back. He's going to find a few bottles missing."

Crowley froze. "I'm drinking wine stolen from the Devil?'

"He won't mind. So long as you show it the appreciation it deserves."

Trixie bounded back in. "Linda's just getting him settled. Crowley, can you show me your snake trick now?"

He drained half his glass. "Mmmm. Don't see why not. Just watch out for the end of my tail, it's still sore." He sat on Aziraphale's lap and began to morph. The angel caught his tail as it emerged and laid it carefully over his shoulder while the rest of his length lay coiled in his lap.

"That's so awesome!" she cried. "You are a magnificent snake. Can I touch you?"

He nodded. She placed a careful hand on his neck, feeling the scales. "You're warm."

"He's still full of warm food," Aziraphale said. "If you left him on the floor, he'd soon start complaining."

"Don't like cold," Crowley explained. "Lap issss good. Warrrm."

"Perhaps I should buy another hot water bottle for you. Or one of those fluffy things you heat up in the microwave." 

Crowley turned his head sideways, as if considering. “No need. Angel iss bessst.”

Trixie grinned. “You two are adorable.” She tapped a finger to his nose. "Snoot boop!"

He flinched backwards, but then bobbed his head at her. "Heck off." She collapsed into giggles, and he waited for a moment and then nudged at her hand. "More ssstrokessss." Her hands were gentle and warm. She ran her fingers over his back, sweeping over his coils, and then touched the red scales underneath, just for comparison. She watched in fascination as his tiny forked tongue licked the air, flicking about.

"I think he likes that. You seem to have made an impression on him, Trixie."

"I like having demon friends."

Crowley just hissed out a happy sigh. Aziraphale felt him grow heavier as his whole body relaxed into the child's caresses. "Can we keeeeep her?" he asked contentedly.

"I think this one's already taken. Her parents might object." Aziraphale watched the two of them, battling a twinge of jealousy. He wanted to keep Crowley all to himself. 

"You could borrow me," she suggested. "I'm sure they wouldn't mind that."

"I'm afraid we're heading back to England in the morning."

Trixie's face fell. "No way!"

"We have to take care of some rather urgent business. Not sure how long it will take."

"Weeksssss."

"Yes. But maybe when we've got things sorted out in that department we might be able to pop back for a visit. Or you could come to London."

She grinned. "Yes! London would be awesome!"

"Good, that's settled then."

"You might need to clear it with Dan and Chloe first," Amenadiel pointed out. He was leaning back in the armchair, his eyes closed. He looked tired too, but then he'd been to Hell and back twice today.

"Crowley can tempt them. He's good at that."

The snake turned and gazed up at him, but he was was too relaxed to say anything. He touched his nose to the angel's cheek, and then rested his head on his arm.

They were all sitting there quietly when Linda returned. She perched on the arm of Amenadiel's chair and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're tense. You okay?"

"Busy day. Plus I got ash in my wings. It itches."

"Oh dear," Aziraphale said. "That doesn't sound pleasant."

"It's not something I'd recommended." He drank his wine while Linda began to rub his shoulder muscles. "Hmm. That's good though."

"Aziraphale, what can I see when I come to London?" Trixie asked.

"Well, let's see… we could go and see Buckingham Palace, and the houses of parliament. Mazikeen would probably like to see the Tower. We could take a boat trip along the Thames, and have a picnic in St James' Park. Crowley and I have been meaning to do that for some time now. And of course, I must take you to the theatre."

"Can we see a musical? Or Shakespeare?"

"We can do both if you like."

They continued chatting about their plans until Linda told them Dan was due back to pick her up. Crowley grumbled as he changed back, but Trixie wiggled across the sofa to make room so that he could still lean against Aziraphale. He was still tired and sore, and he didn't have the energy to resist the temptation of him. Besides, the angel made him feel better. He didn't care who saw it.

Trixie ran and hugged her dad when he arrived. "Daddy! Aziraphale and Crowley said we could go visit them in England!"

"Really? Wow, that would be something. We'll have to talk it through with your mom, okay?"

"She'll say yes. And Lucifer and Maze can come too."

"Of course I can," Maze said. "He's my kid brother. I'm shower bound. Catch you tomorrow small person."

"Can we Dad? Please?"

"Maybe. We have to work out time off work, and school, and there's lots of other things to think about."

"I'm sure if you decide you'd like to come, we can sort things out so that all the details run smoothly," Aziraphale assured him.

"We'll see. Come on monkey, let's get you home. I think you might be stuck with me for a few nights."

"I don't mind. I like staying at your place. Your TV is better than Mom's." She ran back and hugged Aziraphale and Crowley both at once. "You have to message me! You're on Insta, right?"

"Naturally. I'm Disco Snek."

"I'm First President of Mars." 

"I'll follow you," Crowley promised. "He's still wrestling with email."

"It makes no sense, Crowley! A phone should be a phone, and a letter should be a letter."

"See what I mean? He's constantly stuck a few decades behind."

Trixie laughed. "It's cute. Hang on." She grabbed her backpack and pulled out a pen and paper, and scribbled on it. "That's my address, you can send me snail mail."

"Trixie, come on, leave the poor guys alone," Dan said, beckoning her towards the door.

"It's no bother," Aziraphale assured him. "Your daughter is rather delightful. Now go on, little angel cousin, do as your father says."

"Yes, uncle Angel!" she teased, and kissed them both before she went out.

Crowley sprawled even further down the sofa so his head was resting in Aziraphale's lap. "So, have we just done it again?"

"Done what again?" Linda asked.

"Changed the course of history. Interfered in the Great, Ineffable Plan. Meddled in the universe."

"Yeah," Amenadiel replied, staring into his wine. "I guess we kinda did."

Aziraphale combed his fingers through Crowley's hair. "Are we going to get into trouble for this?"

"I'll make sure you don't," his big brother promised. "You've been through enough already."

"It was my idea," Linda said quietly. "I was just so angry."

Amenadiel put his hands on her waist and pulled her onto his lap. "It's not your fault. We all chose this. And it was the right choice. Charlie is safe, and Luci is free. And Remy is stubborn and strong, I think she'll make a good king. Lucifer… well I think it's good we got there when we did." His shoulders twitched again.

"Do you need help with that?" she asked. 

"Help with what?" Maze said as she came back in. 

"Just some ash in my wings. I'll be fine."

"Lucky for you, you got the expert. That stuff's a bitch. Linda, you want to learn how to groom an angel?"

Her eyes widened as a grin filled her face. "Can I really?"

"Sure, why not?"

"And I think that's our cue to head back to bed," Crowley said, sitting up quickly. "Come on Angel. Mazikeen, have fun, but don't wake the baby."

He bustled Aziraphale back into the bedroom.

"Crowley, can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Anything you like." He pulled off his jacket and sprawled once more.

"Why do you have wings? It's not usual for demons, is it?"

He set his sunglasses beside the bed and pulled his Angel onto his chest. "No. Mazikeen's father was a dragon, but mine was a snake. I rather liked being a snake, and I saw no reason to be anything else. Until I saw you, that is. Should have been a clue, thinking about it in retrospect."

"You mean, you took that shape to be like me?"

"Told you. Most beautiful thing I'd ever seen."

They held each other quietly for a moment, and then the angel looked up into golden eyes. 

"I love you, Crowley. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to admit it."

"I love you too, Aziraphale." He took his face in both hands, and tipped it to place a single, powerful kiss on his forehead. It was a kiss he'd been holding onto for six thousand years. He let his lips rest there, having finally found their home, his heart beating so fast he wondered if it might grow wings of its own and fly away. It settled back down gradually, and he found a way to let go.

Aziraphale was breathing quickly. "You probably ought to change back, you know. Make sure your tail gets a chance to heal. We can head home first thing in the morning."

"Right. And then…"

"Yes."

"Right. You won't let go, will you?"

"No my dear. I shall hold you in my arms through the night. And when we get home I shall hold you every night until forever, if that's what you wish."

"I do."

"That's settled then. Sleep now."

Crowley shifted once again, and rested his head in the dark and warm, and dreamed of books and picnics and the smells of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for the name "Disco Snek" goes to my beta. Because she's awesome incarnate.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my amazing beta, FlufflyGlitterPantsDragon, for being amazing as always.


End file.
